Slipped?

So i took some hydrocodone again. Three...just enough to try and forget what i read about myself today. Didn't make me too happy to read...im not going to say.
But like idk what i want o do about it...like im feeling the pills as i write this, so yeah idk, i may figure this out in about 20 minutes....who knows.That test makes me want to kill myself...idk i know i wont...but still cant shake the feeling of"hey look a razorblades". you know? I feel like no matter what i do i can never mold myself into the guy i want to be. The drugs and booze help me deal. They help so much, like i can pop some pills, smoke a bowl, or drink a pint of booze and feel better about looking disgusting. Why is it that people who have everything throw it away and people like me with nothing strive to achieve that state...so yeah. I hate who i am.

My sin makes me pure.
~-6Dn-~